Meet The Clan

MEET THE CLAN

GEORDIE "WEBMASTER"

Geordie was born and bred in Glasgow and very proud of being a Glaswegian.

He left Glasgow to follow his dreams of fame & fortune & went to the bright lights of good old USA where down to his last dime and starving a stranger asked him if he liked hot-dogs that was his first break in showbiz.

To make ends meet he became a drag queen at the weekend a job that he was rather reluctant to give up, next it was on to Amsterdam where he sought fame & fortune in the porn industry, no matter how hard he tried no matter how many clubs or film companies doors he knocked on he couldn't get an audition.

Then one day his chance arose, fed up with him constantly banging on their doors he got an audition, this was it fame at last, a chance to sleep with gorgeous girls every night & get paid for it, but alas he failed the audition the director was looking for someone to play.....ahem, a bigger part in the movie and that Geordie didn't quite measure up, the director was looking for something around nine inches and didn't have the time for Geordie to show it to him three times.

On returning home with his small tail tucked firmly between his legs he decided to have a go at the music business, he strapped on a Rickenbacker and gave it a bloody good go but after twenty minutes his fingers got sore so he soon gave up that idea.

Next it was fitba I can dae that he exclaimed and quickly fitted himself out with a second hand pair of rugby boots and joined the local Saturday morning overweight elevens.

Twenty minutes into the match, playing centre half he chested the ball down in his own area, he neatly sidestepped the opposition centre forward and brought the ball forward, on hearing his manager shouting encouragement "hump it big man" was the cry, aye that will be right says he, down the right wing he waddled, one defender, two defenders..he was in the clear a shot on goal beckoned eighteen yards out he let fly with all his might and watched the ball fly by the goalkeeper... and everybody else in the penalty box and go over the touchline for a throw in!!!

Never mind at least he still has his looks.

DAVY "CAPTAIN"

Davy has came on leaps & bounds from his mullet & Miami Vice suit days. These days he looks pretty normal ??? Good to see he's stopped dyeing his hair!!

Davy left home at an early age to join the Metropolitan Police Force as a sniffer dog in the drugs squad and was reasonably successful but left complaining that all the boys kept poking their nose into his business which he didn't like at all.

In the late seventies early eighties he embarked on a lucrative career as a Rod Stewart impersonator, this all went very well until he started sounding more like Andy Stewart.

Can still be seen singing in local karaoke bars in his latest venture as lead singer in a "Corrs" tribute band, you'd think he'd be playing the role of the brother wouldn't you, yes we would!!

Davy seems to be happy with his lot and if you're happy then that's fine by us pal, at least you've stopped dyeing yer hair!!!

ALDO "VICE CAPTAIN"

Alan is a local lad who spends a lot of his spare time working out honing his physique into prime condition, please don't get the wrong impression he's not gay or anything like that although the infamous incident in a French hotel room at the World Cup in ninety eight and a recent trip to a suspicious nightclub in Glasgow might change peoples minds.

No Alan like the rest of us, well some of us ok, three of us, in this motley crue are straight, although judging by some of the photos of Davy & Aldo in France it gets you thinking.

When he's not body building Aldo likes nothing better than adding to his collection of soft toys, you name it he's got it on his bed, well that's what Davy told me!!

Alan recently impressed his new employer so much with his new body that he's been promoted from working inside to working on the door.

Say hello to "Chunk" if your ever at the Teddy Bear store in the Braehead centre.

ELVIS "ENTERTAINMENTS OFFICER"

Elvis has a skill that none of the other boys has, he can dance, and dance very well may I add.

Old swivel hips has the woman eating out of his hands after they've seen his fancy moves, unfortunately his pish patter makes them go away again.

His dancing did lead to some moderate local success he played the lead in a couple of low budget Scottish musicals one was similar to "Grease" called "Lard" it had some great songs and dance numbers.

One reviewer commented that Elvis was positively "Drippin" wae talent another was about a local social club and a young guy who couldn't wait till the weekend came along, it was called "Saturday Night Beaver"

One reviewer commented that it was full of cunning stunts....

Thank you very much.

JIM "THE SERIOUS ONE"

Jim or as we affectionately know him as "Baldy" for obvious reasons, keeps us on the straight & narrow, always weighing up the options for us, sometimes he lets his guard down & can be just as daft as the rest of us!!

Jim has recently returned from Hollywood where he was the stunt double in the new Shrek movie.

Showbiz isn't a new thing for Jim, you might remember his wonderful portrayal of a formless hideous monster in the classic adventure movie "The Goonies"

Jim also has a wonderful singing voice and had a few hits with his band Right Said Fred.

Recently he has taken to traveling the world, Alan Whicker eat your heart out, it seems he only spends about six months a year in this country at a time.

I don't know if it's for tax reasons or something else.........

KEVIN "THE BODYGUARD"

Kevin watches the "Weans" for us & that includes most of us, he also acts as our bodyguard due to his keen interest & it has to be said a lot of success in kick boxing.

I've never seen him in action myself & I've never seen him fighting either!!! Apparently he's rather handy to have around which is good to know 'cause none of the rest of us could fight our way out of a wet paper bag.

The kind of guy you need in a tough situation, although a few of the recent hairstyles has got a few of us wondering if he's really as tough as he seems!!!

Maybe it's all an act, highlights are nothing new but maybe you shouldn't take things as far as making sure your collars & cuffs match, the jury is still out...time will tell.

Kevin is the looker in the gang, sorry I'm laughing as I write this, anyway as I was saying, Kevin is the handsome one among us who lures all the attractive young lassies over and all us oldies can kid on that we're kinda cool again!!! Age is a terrible thing, just as well we're all young at heart!!

GORDON "THE NOMINATED DRIVER"

Gordon the "Ham King" typifies the true spirit of The Tartan Army by stepping up to the plate & having a go when we need him the most. let me explain... you may not know but Rab is our

We needed a regular driver so up steps Gordon ( formerly known as Dingy but we don't call him that since he got married & claims to have grown up ) anyway I digress up steps Dingy.. I mean Gordon "Ah'll dae it" was the cry & so it came to pass.

Gordon achieved a lifetimes ambition, being a part of the Tartan Army, he also gives us a bit of a laugh on the night as well, for all our years following Scotland we've never seen anybody take sandwiches to a game before, I thought I was seeing things!!!

Anyway we all think Gordon is a welcome addition to the gang & it's not just because he's willing to do the driving.

Just remember to bring enough sandwiches for everybody next time Gordy ok.

CAMMY "KILLER"

Cammy works with us all at the Post Office. He's a good man to have on your team, he acts like a magnet for all the ugly women in pubs who seem to like men in kilts, this leaves us free to chat up all the good looking ladies....Aye Right!!!

Also when he's had just the right amount of alcohol he does a smashing wee dance, sixteen Morgan Spices seems to be the magic number!!

We welcomed him with open arms until we found out what he had been doing at Xmas to earn a few extra bucks, strangling turkeys ladies & gentlemen.

Choking poor defenseless animals for kicks & a few bucks, now if he'd been choking the chicken we could all possibly have forgiven him for that, after all who among us hasn't choked the chicken from time to time...I know, I know it's a cheap joke but I like it.

Anyway where were we, right, Cammy, just watch what you're saying to him if you ever meet him, he may look like a bubbly wee guy on the outside but inside he's a cold hearted killer...be afraid, be very afraid.

JAMIE "THE QUIET ONE"

Jamie is one of life's quiet folk, speaks when he's spoken to,works hard at his job, keeps himself to himself, does what he's told, behaves himself, always polite, opens doors for old ladies & never speaks back to his elders......

Naw I don't trust him either.

Other than that he's a nice lad!!

Like most "Quiet Lads" he fair gets going with a few shandy's inside him & has even been seen singing & dancing on occasions.

Sometimes he even swears!!!

Jamie is currently building his own car as well, very talented this lad. He takes a part home from his work every night for his construction project, he reckons it'll take him sixty years to build it, problem is he retires in forty six years!! Didnae really think that through pal!!

DAVY "WEBMASTERS GIMP"

Davy is Kevin's other half apparently, I know, I'm not sure what that means either!!

In the old days I think we called it wing man, or maybe I've just mis-read the whole situation & perhaps he really is Kev's other half!!! Whatever floats yer boats guys, but I'll tell yae the noo, I don't share!!!

Has a great knack of always making the wrong choices which just adds to the amusement of us all. Not that we laugh at him you understand, we laugh with him, as friends & compatriots!!!

A likeable lad and very nice looking with his shirt off, Davy has recently became a full time member of our glorious bunch.

After completing an initiation ceremony that by the way no-one else has had to do young David was able to call himself part of the Clan.

From us all Davy, welcome on board young man.

BLAIR "APPRENTICE"

Blair is just a young lad who comes along to some of the matches & is counting the years to when he can finally get his hands on a pint.

Curiosity sometimes gets the better of him & he can often be found asking us to provide hime with wee sips from our glasses, which by the way we would never do as we are all law abiding citizens & wouldn't want to corrupt a young boys mind.

When he's not pestering his Dad's pals young Blair can usually be found hanging around off sales hoping to find an old drunk has collapsed & dropped his "Cairry Oot"

Most young guys would be out on their bike or playing football or mugging auld grannies, but not Blair, he's just waiting for the chance to prove that he can get as drunk as the rest of us and make an erse of himself too.

Kind of makes you proud doesn't it. Cannae wait 'till you're eighteen Blair, that should be a great night oot!!!

CHRIS "CHANCER"

Chris is one of lifes lovable rogues, a chancer you may well say & like most chancers he's always willing to push his luck.

He can get you just about anything you want, for a small fee!!!

His ambition is to run his own security company one day which he would combine with his Devil dug breeding franchise.

His favourite tipple is a combination of Buckfast & Merrydown cider called Buckdown, a few glasses of that & you'll buckle down I can assure you.

Chris takes his drinking really seriously & has been known to have a wee bevvy just to get into the swing of things before he meets the lads.

Currently working on the Paisley High Street selling Sports Socks, "Two for a pound!! Two for a pound!!" Also the man to see if you ever run short of lighters or cheap fags, also does a nice line in fake Dvd's & CD's, awright troops!!!

MIKE "MIKEY" MAES

Mikey is Belgian but is no less a Scottish patriot, we've no idea where his passion for Scotland comes from but he's a very welcome addition to our wee band of brothers and let's face it, you'd rather be Scottish than Belgian wouldn't you!!!

Only kidding Mikey.

Mikey also likes a good swally which obviously is one of our great Scottish traditions and he can keep up with any Scotsman I know. He's always up for a challenge where drink's concerned, his current favourite tipple is Midori, yeuch!!!

Mikey is a very talented graphic designer and is responsible for designing our very own Paisley Tartan Army badge which we all think is a cracker!!!

When he's got some spare time and not making chocolate you'll probably find him exploring the lengths and breadths of this wonderful land we call Scotland.

Welcome aboard Mikey, you're more Scottish than plenty of my countrymen!!

BIG GORDON "JURGEN"

Big Jurgen lives and works in Germany but he's as Scottish as you and me and gets over here for games as often as he can. When he comes over it's always an adventure, between him and Cammy ("Killer" to you and me) he forces us all to drink some rather strange alcoholic concoctions and was responsible for me missing almost the whole of an international match against Germany a few years back, deffo worth the watching!!

Likes to wear his Nazi jackboots with his kilt and Scotland top which is fair enough but we had to draw the line at his little black moustache and swastika armband!!!

In his spare time when not running his local branch of the Hitler youth movement Jurgen can be found at many a beer cellar entertaing the locals in his lederhosen where he slaps young boys to music!!! Whatever floats yer boat big man!!!

Another thing that people might not know about Jurgen is the fact that he likes blowing his big shiny horn whenever and wherever he can, he says it leaves him feeling really satisfied!!! Aye the big man's a one off right enough!!

DAVIE "THE JANNY"

Davie has been missing in action since the 1998 World Cup in France, it's been ten years now and we're starting to get really worried. He was last seen wearing a pair of tartan trousers, a see you jimmy wig and a yellow rampant lion t-shirt, an outfit I'm sure you'd agree would be hard to miss!!!

There have been numerous sightings of Davie especially in Paris. When we were there last year we decided to have a wee look for him and unanimously decided that looking for him while the Tartan Army were in town could prove extremely hard!! We may continue our search one day because he was a valued member of the team, he was actually an intelligent lad who had a couple of A levels and there's a rumour that he may have went to university, might have something to do with him being the janitor!!

Davie if you're out there pal please get in touch, we're worried about you, your family are worried about you, well some of them are, and the university want their uniform back!!! Anyway, he shouldn't be hard to find as he has a tattoo of a saltire on his cheek, see photo on the left, come back Davie, we miss yae!!

COLIN "THE WINDAE LICKER"

Big Colin is another one of our troops who's been missing in action recently, last seen in 2003 at the Holland play off game his disapearance has been quite a mystery to us all. We're all looking forward to our next game against Holland as perhaps that might jog a few peoples memories, almost like reconstructing the scene of the crime.

He wouldn't be too difficult to find, he's over seven foot tall and has a very effeminate walk, his one major outstanding physical feature is the fact that he only has one ear, (see attached photo)

Colin's hobbies include driving around in a big red van and putting letters through people's doors, he can sometimes be found hanging around bushes licking peoples windows.

In no account should members of the public approach Colin on their own, he's not the full shilling but we would like him back as we here at the Paisley Tartan Army look after our own, Colin, we miss you son, come back home where you belong.

RAB "MAD DOG"

Rab or Mad Dog as he's affectionately known by the gang was last seen riding into the sunset several years ago and we've not seen hide nor hair of him since. You should be able to spot Mad Dog easy enough, he doesn't have a very big tail, oooer missus!!! And his fur is receding a bit near the front of his head due to people clapping him too much, for christ sake don't attempt to clap him!!

He responds well to his favourite treats Mars Bars and Coca Cola, only thing is he becomes extremely hyperactive and needs to be taken on a very long walk, that's how we think we lost him, one of us might have forgotten to bring him back after one of his daily runs, Rab we're sorry!!

If you have our mad pup please take him to your nearest vet and let him look for his micro-chip, tell him you believe it to be up his erse, it's actually behind his ear but you've got to have a laugh haven't you!!!

Rab used to be our driver and no-one ever liked sitting in the front seat beside him, speaks volumes does that!!! We love yae Mad Dog!!

SCOTT "BAW SUCKER"

Scott's job was always clouded in secrecy, it wasn't so much James Bond more like Austin Powers although we heard that he wasn't very good at the shaggin!!!

When Scott was young the fair came to town and he couldn't help himself, he ran away with it, I don't mean he stole it, ach you know what I mean!!! Most folk run away to the circus but they wouldn't have him so he went for the next best thing.

While with the fair Scott showed a tremendous talent as one of those clowns that you put your balls into their mouths, Scott was ever so good at it, the photo on the left explains a lot!!!

The big guy was last seen in Holland and I especially miss him 'cause when he stood next to me in a photo I always looked as if I 'd lost a couple of pounds!!!

We just hope that a pimp on hearing of Scott's tremendous talent for catching balls in his mouth hasn't kidnapped him for one of those brothel thingys. If you see him could you take some photos for us so we can have a laugh!! Miss you Big Man x

ANDY "JAPS EYE"

Andy works in health and safety so he's always handy to have around when we decide to make an arse of ourselves, risk assessment, velocity etc, Andy's got it all under control, so far no major injuries!!

Born in Singapore, a keen supporter of Newcastle United and the possessor of a lovely English accent, you'd be forgiven for thinking he was English, try saying it to his face though, a prouder Scot you couldn't hope to meet!!

He went to an all boy boarding school where he was expelled for something involving the headmaster's daughter!! We believe him don't we guys!!!

Another interesting thing about Andy is his surprisingly large thighs, he could certainly give Graeme Souness a run for his money in that department although why he insists that you have to feel the circumference around the top of his naked thighs when he's wearing his kilt is a little suspect if not a little creepy if you ask me!!

Andy has a number of special skills, always ready to step in with an emergency mobile phone if you need it, cheers pal, you can use mine anytime!!

NEIL "BUNTER"

Neil is our American correspondent and keeps us all up to speed on all things Scottish, Stateside. Our man is a retired former champion Heavy Scottish athlete, and when I say heavy I don't mean Neil could do with laying off the hamburgers and pancakes!! I mean he was one of the lads you see at the Highland Games lifting weights and throwing stuff etc!!

Elsewhere, Neil's heart belongs to Scotland due to his ancestry and a more fervent patriot you'll fail to meet, his long term goal is to eventually settle in Scotland with a nice Scottish lassie, good luck wae that pal 'cause we never found any!!

Due to an unfortunate accident Neil had to give up his promising athletic career but still does a lot of weightlifting when his injuries allow, he spends most of his free time growing a beard. He's a well educated lad and has a quality education behind him so you think he'd avoid this motley crew like the plague!!

Neil welcome to our wee band of brothers, we're happy to have you on board on this wee web site we like to call hame! Fáilte gu Alba